The Dog Stole My Brain Read online

  Contents

  1 Jake

  2 Barney

  3 Jake

  4 Barney

  5 Jake

  6 Barney

  7 Jake

  8 Barney

  9 Jake

  Epilogue Barney

  Puffin Books

  Aussie CHOMPS

  The Dog Stole My Brian

  Jake is so stressed out! The two biggest

  and meanest girls in his class have a nasty

  surprise waiting for him at school. If only

  he could switch his life with someone

  who doesn’t have his problems.

  But not his dog!

  Grab another Chomp!

  The Mal Rider

  Pat Flynn

  The Really Nearly Deadly Canoe Ride

  David Metzenthen

  Stinky Ferret and the JJs

  Candice Lemon-Scott

  The Really Really Epic Mini-bike Ride

  David Metzenthen

  Josie and the Michael Street Kids

  Penni Russon

  There’s Money in Toilets

  Robert Greenberg

  The Mobile Phone Detective

  James Moloney

  iHarry

  Laurine Croasdale

  for Cindy, Katie and Zeus

  1

  This alleyway smells like cooked brussels sprouts with a layer of poo spread on top. I try to breathe just through my mouth, but the stench keeps drifting up to my nostrils. Why am I walking home from school this way?! Because I’m trying to avoid Debbie and Skye.

  They know the three other routes I take to get home. They also know the days I have to walk alone because my best friend Chris does karate. Hopefully they’ll never suspect that I’m sneaking down behind Cash Converters and the greengrocer, picking my way through squishy carrots and cabbage leaves.

  But what if they do find me here? I’ll stand up to them, that’s what! I can’t go on being a wimp forever.

  But they’re the biggest kids in our grade, and there’re two of them …

  Yes, on second thought, slimy cucumbers are easier to deal with than Debbie and Skye.

  Ugh. The stink is getting worse, like someone’s sliced some black bananas to top off the brussels sprouts and poo. I have to get out of here! I hold my breath and start to run, hoping I don’t skid on the garbage underfoot.

  I’ve nearly made it to the street …

  No! Their radar is infallible. There they are, at the end of the lane, blocking my way.

  Skye speaks first. ‘What a surprise! Look who it is, Deb.’

  I come to a halt, grip my bag and breathe out slowly. I won’t run away from them. I’ll stand up for myself.

  ‘Oh, hi there,’ Debbie uses a fake-sweet voice, like she’s talking to a toddler.

  ‘How’s little Jakey-Wakey?’ She reaches out to pat me on the head, but I duck her pudgy hand. I glare at them, which I hope makes them think I’m not afraid of anything.

  They ignore my laser look and step closer, one on either side, towering over me.

  I hate being the second-shortest kid in the grade. You’ll grow, my dad tells me. Plenty of boys are shorter than the girls at your age. Even ones who end up as NBA basketball stars. As if that’s gonna happen with me.

  ‘Why’d you take the alleyway?’ Skye smirks. ‘For the scenery?’

  Say something, I command myself. But before I can form even one word, Deb scrunches up her nose and says, ‘Poooo-eey! Can you smell that, Skye?’ She points to me. ‘It’s coming from that direction.’

  ‘Come on, Deb, don’t embarrass the munchkin! He can’t help it if he pongs.’ They start giggling like they’re the funniest people ever.

  ‘That’s right,’ Deb chimes in, ‘no wonder he’s sweaty, after being such a star at footy today.’

  Skye manages to laugh even harder. ‘Yeah, he kicked the ball a whole metre. That’d make anybody sweat!’

  I’ve had enough. I might not be great at footy, but I do wash every day. ‘It’s not me that smells,’ I tell them. ‘It’s the rotten vegetables.’

  ‘What?!’ Skye crows. ‘Did you say you’re a vegetable?’

  Why did I even bother? They can fire out a thousand insults before I can think of even one loser-ish thing to say.

  They glance at each other, then take a step closer to me. If only I knew a martial art like Chris does. But there’s no use fighting them the ordinary way. They weigh like twice as much as I do. I reckon it would only take one of them to flatten me.

  They are so close I can smell the sickly sweet vanilla of their body spray.

  ‘Give us a look at that cool new phone of yours, Jakey.’ Debbie grins down at me.

  I clutch my bag tight.

  ‘We really need to see it,’ Debbie adds. ‘Hope we don’t have to persuade you.’

  Now I really am sweating.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Skye croons. ‘You’re not scared of us, are you?’

  My eyes dart up the alley and back to the two tall girls. I so did not want to do this, but I’m going to have to. These two might be able to pound me, but they can’t outrun me. I do my best not to look like someone who’s about to make a bolt for it. Then, suddenly, I’m off. Across the street and down the alleyway on the other side. This one’s a lot cleaner and not as slippery

  I take a quick look back and see them running after me, scrambling along with their school bags flapping on their backs and their ponytails flying all over the shop. They’re closing in on me. I’ll have to put on a sprint. I take the biggest breath I can manage and floor it, disappearing into the distance. Before I reach the end of the laneway, I have another look back. Good, they’ve given up. They’re just standing there. But they’re not quite out of breath, because as I turn to jog across the next street, Skye screams out, ‘Nice talking to you Jakey! Can’t wait to see you at school tomorrow. We’ve got a surprise for you!’

  I slow to a walk when I’m two streets away from home. My hands are trembling. My heart feels like a squeezed-up little panting ball. Can’t they ever let up? I’m so sick of this. I’m way too stressed out for an eleven-year-old! I read on the internet that stress is really bad for you in heaps of different ways. It can even make your hair fall out. That’s the last thing I need. It’s probably stunting my growth as well, so I’ll end up being a metre shorter than everyone else in high school and I’ll never be good at any sports. What a future! Uncoordinated, short, bald …

  And the giant girls have a surprise planned for me. Tomorrow!

  I can’t go to school and face that. Maybe Mum’ll let me stay home if I tell her I’m sick. But what good would that do? I’d still have to go the next day, and every day for like, practically forever.

  What I need is a permanent solution … a plan that would mean I’d never have to go to school again.

  Suddenly an idea pops into my mind. It makes my hands tremble even more.

  Jeremy, who’s the shortest and most geeky kid in our grade, showed me this website where you can swap brains with another person if they agree to it. It’s really complicated to access the site and it requires a lot of secret codes, but Jeremy’s like a computer genius, so he took me through it yesterday when Mrs Duke gave us free I.T. time. I’m pretty sure I can remember how to do it. I might be crap at footy, but I’m almost as smart as Jeremy when it comes to computers.

  Imagine swapping your life with somebody who has learned everything they need to and they’re finished with school forever. Set up a few commands, press a key and BAM: no more stress … no more Debbie and Skye!

  Could I really do it? Probably not, but it’s pretty cool to think about. No harm in having a look, anyway. Now I’m running again. Toward ho
me, toward my computer.

  2

  I’m so BORED. It feels as if my humans locked me up here in the front yard about a thousand hours ago and I’m all alone. A couple of flies did buzz in, but they wouldn’t play with me, so I caught them in my mouth and swallowed them. What can I do now? Maybe if I go along the fence and push against every plank with my nose I’ll find a loose one. I’ve already tried this fifty times today but I might as well give it another go. That’s how I got out last time.

  Damn, all the boards are still in place.

  What’s that? I smell someone coming down the street. Not one of my humans, but still, I have to run over to the gate to check them out. Thank goodness the gate is made of wire so I can see through it. Hey, I call out to the old man as he shuffles slowly past, Want to come in? Just undo that latch up there. It’s easy for you humans. Can you get me some water? Please! I’m really thirsty. I wag my tail as hard as I can. Jake tells me not to tip my bowl, but a dog’s gotta have something to play with! You can turn on the hose, OK? See, it’s right here. I love lapping water straight from the hose. Hey, don’t just walk straight past me!

  Finally, the old guy speaks to me. ‘Stop yer yappin’, mutt.’ And he shuffles on.

  Is it time for Jake to come home? The sun’s getting lower in the sky, so it must be. Where is he? He’s been gone for so long. I run up to the corner of the yard, stick my nose against a knot hole in the wood and sniff. I want to find his smell in the air. I want it so bad. I bet he’s never coming back this time! I’ll have to go and find him.

  I’ll try digging again. Dad has filled in the space underneath the fence with a very hard and frustrating material, but there’s one spot where I’ve managed to find some dirt to have a go at. I paw at it furiously and increase the hole by a very tiny amount. If only I was as little as that fluffy girl dog we sometimes meet when Jake takes me for a walk, I could squeeze through.

  I catch a whiff of another person … Oh goody! It’s not Jake, but it’s someone I know. I bound over to the gate. It’s the fuzzy lady that smells like the flowers that drop off the bush over by the mailbox. I like you! I tell her. You smell sweet and I like you a lot!

  She understands me. She stops, pokes her fingers through the wire and scratches my head. Oh, that feels wonderful.

  ‘You’re a good boy,’ she tells me.

  And then she walks off.

  Come back! I call after her. Why don’t you come in? You can scratch me for a long time and then … Look, here’s my ball. Don’t you want to throw my ball? I’ll chase it for you!

  She turns and gives me a little wave, but she doesn’t stop. I give the ball a nudge with my nose. Stupid ball. It’s no fun unless there’s a human to go with it.

  Where are my humans? Where’s my best human, Jake? He throws my ball and sneaks me bites of Tim Tams and laughs when I fart. I want him to be here! What if he never comes back? I’ll have to go and find him, that’s all there is to it. I’ll have to go along the fence and push against every plank with my nose again, searching for a loose one. Surely this time it’ll work …

  What’s that? Is that smell what I think it is? It is. It is! It’s a miracle! He’s back!

  He unlatches the gate easy as anything and I throw myself at him. Jake! Jake! You’re safe! Jake! I thought you were never coming back. You’re the most beautiful human in the whole entire world and I love you, love you, LOVE YOU!

  Jake pushes me off. ‘Shush, Barney. Down!’

  You’re home, Jake. Now we can play! Take me down by the creek where I can run and run and jump around in the squishy mud and get my itchy coat wet in the yummy water. Let’s find the fluffy little girl dog. Can we, Jake? Can we? I know you don’t like it when I sniff her, but she’s the sweetest-smelling thing ever and I can’t help myself. Come on, quick, get my lead and let’s GO!

  ‘Stop it, Barney.’ Jake is pushing me away again. ‘I haven’t got time right now.’

  Haven’t got time? I’ve been waiting for you forever, Jake.

  He holds the door open for me to come into the house with him. At least this means I’ll get something good to eat. Jake always gives me bites of his snacks. Thank goodness he doesn’t listen to Mum, who says human food isn’t healthy for me. I head toward the kitchen, wagging my tail to show Jake how much I appreciate him not making me stick to the cans of Scientific Pet Food that Mum brings home. What will our snack be today? Tim Tams? Cheezels? Maybe two-minute noodles. I love those chicken-flavoured two-minute noodles!

  What? I can’t believe it. He’s going upstairs, straight to his room. I follow him, but I’m not wagging my tail. He sits down at his desk and turns on the computer. I tell him, I’m thirsty, Jake. I’m hungry! I have to eat and then I wanna go outside. I need to smell outdoor stuff and I’ve been saving up my pee so I can squirt it on all the trees we like.

  Jake is frowning at his screen. He says, ‘Stop whining, Barney. I hate it when you do that!’

  His harsh voice makes my insides hurt. I need Jake to like me. I need him to give me a pat. I go over to him, stick my nose under his forearm and flip his hand up so that it lands on my back.

  ‘Geez, Barney,’ he says, but this time with a kind voice. He scratches my neck with one hand as he moves the mouse-thingy with his other hand. ‘I’ll take you for a walk later. I just want to have a look at this website first. It lets you switch your brain with someone else’s.’Jake taps away at his computer. ‘See?’

  At least he’s talking to me, which is better than nothing.

  ‘Here’s a list of people who are interested in switching. But you have to fill in a form with hundreds of questions to see if you’d be suitable. Otherwise you can organise a person to be at the computer with you, and as long as you both agree, you can try out each other’s brains.’

  I like Jake as he is. I would like him more than anything if he’d take me for a walk.

  Jake murmurs, ‘Hmmm. I wonder who I could invite here to switch brains with? Maybe Jack Riewolt? He’s finished school. What do you think, Barney? Would you like a tall Forward to kick the footy around with?’

  Yes! Footy! Let’s grab the ball and head for the park!

  This time Jake doesn’t scold me for barking. But he sounds sad as he tells me, ‘I’ve got it all set up. See? It says, “Press any key to switch brains with Jake Alexander.” But Riewolt would never do that. He wouldn’t want my scrawny body. Who would?’

  I would. I’d love to have hands that can open cupboards and doors and gates like magic. Imagine being able to walk around on two legs. And speaking in words would be fantastic … I could tell you exactly what I need.

  Jake is looking at me. I think he understands what I’m trying to tell him. At least I’ve got his attention. He’s looking at me in a way that he never has before. He tickles me behind my right ear and says, ‘You’ve got it so easy compared to me. You just get to lie around all day. No school, no sports, no Ugmo and Fatty. I should call them that to their faces. But, of course, I don’t have the guts …’

  Jake sounds like he’s about to cry. I can’t stand it when he’s sad. It’s my job to make him happy. I lift my paw and plonk it down firmly on the keyboard.

  3

  What is that NOISE? A high-pitched screeching like I’ve never heard before is slicing through my eardrums. WHAAA! WHAAA! There’s a baby next door, but I’ve never heard her this clearly from my bedroom.

  I feel totally weird, as if I’ve been asleep for about ten years. I slowly open my eyes, and I think I’m in my room – there’s my bed and my desk with the computer on it and the poster of endangered animals on the wall. But they look different. They’re all blurry. And it’s not just that. They’re in black and white, like those ancient movies Mum likes.

  Oh, geez. That baby’s done a number two. And I think she’s vomited up a bit of squished broccoli … How can I be smelling all this from here?

  I squeeze my eyes shut. Maybe it’s asparagus she vomited. Why does it smell so interesting? My eyes fly o
pen and I look down … at my paws.

  What??!!! I have paws where my hands used to be. And they’re on the floor. My hands have turned into feet. DOG FEET!

  Barney, you idiot!

  Where is he? I scramble down the stairs. On four legs! My nails are long and it’s tricky to get a grip on the polished boards. It’s hard to get around because our house looks really strange in blurry black and white. And I’m down so low, shorter than ever. There’s the lounge-room table. Where is he? Wait, I can smell something leathery and sweaty … my school shoes.

  I sniff my way around the corner into the kitchen. There they are! My shoes! With a boy’s feet in them! I brace myself and slowly trace my eyes up the body in front of me. The knees are trembling; the hands are swaying awkwardly. And the face is grinning like a moron.

  I might not be able to see as well as I did before, but I know that face. It’s mine.

  My face, with Barney’s brain behind it, wears an expression of total delight. ‘Jake,’ he says. ‘We did it! You don’t have to go to school, and I’m gonna have heaps of fun in your body.’

  Jeepers, he actually understands what I say to him. Well, if he’s that smart, he can respond to this. Barney! Give my brain back. As if I’d want to swap with a dog.

  That’s what my mind yells. What comes out of my mouth is a mish-mash of whiny barking.

  I watch, horrified and helpless, as Barney starts to experiment with my body. He lurches toward the cupboard. He almost falls, grabbing the handle to steady himself and laughing uproariously. Spit comes out of his mouth and lands on my T-shirt. He yanks out a jar of baby beetroots and bangs on the lid dementedly with his palm.

  ‘Geez, Jake, I always knew you were smart. Opening jars is tough.’ Talking makes him lose concentration and the beetroots crash to the floor. One bounces out of the jar and hits me on the snout.

  ‘Ha Ha! Doesn’t matter. Plenty more food in here.’ He sticks his head right into the cupboard and continues on his mission.